Paralysis

I started this blog to document the process of starting a project, committing to an idea and seeing it through. The blog would be evidence of work done. It would be my way to concretize an idea and prevent it from getting swallowed into the swamp of forgotten creative fantasies. My plan was to share resources, ideas and updates regarding the project so that I could track its development and share it with potential collaborators and anyone else who might be interested.

Well, my update at the moment is that I feel paralyzed.  It is freezing cold outside in Toronto and I am in a deep creative freeze inside my semi-warm apartment.  My plan was to make a vision board for the project and fill this space up with interesting images, text and videos. The truth is, all I feel like doing is sleeping and hiding under the covers. And I  might just go and do that once I publish this.

Developing a project and seeing it through isn’t just about crystallizing ideas and making something for public presentation. For me, it’s also about contending with those shadowy inner forces that want to hold me back and see me fail. I don’t really know where they come from, but they are deeply embedded, frustratingly present and pretty demonic. Right now it feels like they have seized my body and stolen my energy. But instead of ignoring them, pushing them away or letting them obscure my view, I will turn my gaze back on them and acknowledge their existence on here as evidence that they haven’t fully succeeded.